"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." – Charlie Chaplin
"Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last long if you're fat."
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." – Miles Kington
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"The road to success is always under construction." – Lily Tomlin
"Never trust atoms; they make up everything."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." – Oscar Wilde
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" – Robin Williams
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work." – Thomas Edison
"I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying." – Oscar Wilde
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." – Elbert Hubbard
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." – George Burns
"Laziness is the mother of invention. Necessity is the father."
"I can resist everything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
"Life's too short to fold fitted sheets."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." – A.A. Milne
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." – Mark Twain
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." – Steven Wright
"Common sense is like deodorant; those who need it most never use it."
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." – Thomas Edison
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." – Dalai Lama
"An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." – Billy Connolly
"You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." – Martin Luther King Jr.
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food." – W.C. Fields
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it." – Bob Hope
"I didn’t fail the test; I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." – Benjamin Franklin
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, which is pretty much the same thing."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?" – Steven Wright
"If you’re going through hell, keep going." – Winston Churchill
"The best way to predict your future is to create it." – Peter Drucker
"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take." – Wayne Gretzky
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg
"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." – Winston Churchill
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." – Charles Lamb
"If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate."
"My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead."
"Change is not a four-letter word, but often your reaction to it is." – Jeffrey Gitomer
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." – W.C. Fields
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time."
"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
"There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t."
"Some people graduate with honors, I just got out of there." – John Wayne
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Time is money, especially when you’re paid by the hour."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together."
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain." – Vivian Greene
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats."
"Why is it called 'after dark' when it’s really after light?"
"Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it."
"Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today." – Will Rogers
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." – Vidal Sassoon
"It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"You can't have everything. That's why there's Amazon."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." – Steven Wright
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." – Derek Bok
"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" – François de La Rochefoucauld
"You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do." – Henry Ford
"Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions." – Dalai Lama
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." – Groucho Marx
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there." – Will Rogers
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." – Margaret Mead
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." – Winston Churchill
"Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted."
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone." – Reba McEntire
"If you’re not first, you’re last." – Ricky Bobby
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." – Winston Churchill
"I never said most of the things I said." – Yogi Berra
"To do is to be." – Socrates. "To be is to do." – Sartre. "Do be do be do." – Sinatra
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense."
"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile." – Roger Staubach
"Why be moody when you can shake your booty?"
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
"Life is too important to be taken seriously." – Oscar Wilde
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." – Oscar Wilde
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." – Mae West
"Laugh at your problems; everybody else does."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." – Albert Einstein
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Earl Wilson
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe." – Albert Einstein
"Always borrow books from pessimists. They won’t expect you to return them."

What has to be broken before you can use it? gge
I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. eldanc
What month of the year has 28 days? lla
What is full of holes but still holds water? egnop
What question can you never answer yes to? gnipeels
What is always in front of you but can’t be seen? erutuf
There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. What color are the stairs? enon
What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it? esimorp
What goes up but never comes down? ega
What gets wetter the more it dries? lewot
What has hands but can’t clap? kcolc
What can you keep after giving to someone? esimorp
What has many keys but can’t open a single lock? onip
What can travel around the world while staying in the same corner? pmatS
What has a head, a tail, but does not have a body? nioc
What has to be given before you can keep it? esimorp
What comes down but never goes up? niar
I’m not alive, but I can grow. erif
What has an eye but can’t see? eldeen
What has four legs but can’t walk? elbat
What gets bigger the more you take away? eloh
What has roots as nobody sees, and is taller than trees? niatnuom
What can fill a room but takes up no space? thgil
The more of this you take, the more you leave behind. pets
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right? thgir dnah
What has one eye but can’t see? mrots
I have no life, but I can die. yrettab
What has to be kept but can’t be kept forever? yterces
What can run but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps? revir
What can you hear but not see or touch? ecivo
What can fly without wings? emiT
What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? kcolc
What has no beginning, end, or middle? elcric
What has an end but no beginning? daor
What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it? ecnelis
What has a neck but no head? elttob
What is always running but never moves? retaw
What can you eat but never cook? hserf
What comes in the morning without being called? yad
What has a bed but doesn’t sleep? revir
What has cities, but no houses; forests, but no trees? pam
What gets sharper the more you use it? lliks
What has a ring but no finger? enohp
What has stripes and crosses rivers but never moves? egdirb
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years? m
What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? topeT
What has teeth but cannot bite? bmoC
What runs but doesn’t walk? retaw
What has a bottom at the top? sgel
What kind of coat is best put on wet? tniap
What has two hands and a face but no arms? kcolc
What can you catch but not throw? dloc
What has one foot but no legs? relur
What has an end but no beginning? daor
What can you find in the middle of nowhere? eh
What has many teeth but no bite? bmoC
What is so light a feather can hold it but strong that it can break your bones? riA
What runs all day but never gets tired? retaw
What has no weight but can sink a ship? eloh
What has three letters, starts with gas? rac
What has many faces but no head? edic
What is a word made shorter by adding a letter? trohs
What is easy to lift but hard to throw? rehtaef
What’s at the end of everything? gnihtyreve
What gets shorter as it grows older? eldnac
What can you hold but not touch? htaerb
What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive? evolg
What has eyes but cannot see? atotop
What comes but never arrives? worromot
What belongs to you but is used more by others? eman
What is yours but can be taken without you knowing? enohp
What has four fingers and a thumb, but isn’t alive? evolg
What can you find in December but not in any other month? D
What has wheels but isn’t a car? traC
What has a bark but no bite? eert
What has six faces and twenty-one eyes? ecid
What has no doors, no windows, but can be cracked? tun
What has no legs but can run fast? retaw
What is always there but cannot be touched? wodniw
What has no words but tells stories? ohotop
What is white and can be seen on a mountain top? wons
What is dark but full of light? thgin
What has keys but can’t unlock doors? onip
What is cold but burns when it touches you? eci
What has wings but cannot fly? nekcihc
What lives in a shell but is not a gun? lians
What is full of air but weighs nothing? nool
What is at the beginning of everything? E